


Never Knew Loving Could Hurt This Good

by lovers_in_combat



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Time, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 15:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9663803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovers_in_combat/pseuds/lovers_in_combat
Summary: Episode/Canon Compliant. Just something that was inspired by the events of 2x06 and for the promos of 2x07.Following on from the revelations about Magnus' past relationships, Alec contemplates his next step.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen episode 206 or are avoiding spoilers for 207, look away from this fic.  
> Word of warning dear readers - I used to write pretty good fic. Now I feel like I can't string a sentence together. This is an exercise in finding voice more so than anything. I promise I can and will be better than this!  
> Title taken from WILD by Troye Sivan.

By the time Alec gets back to the Institute it's late, and there is a knot of tension in his stomach and a dull throb at the base of his skull. He'd left Jace settling in at Magnus', tight lipped and tense and refusing to talk about it. The problem with knowing someone as well as Alec knew Jace however, was that he could read him like a book. All Jace would say was the Aldertree still didn't trust him, that he had to leave, but not why. He was holding back and being self sacrificing and not letting Alec help when Alec had only just gotten him back and he stupidly expected Alec to just accept that. To put up with it, and go along with it. There wasn't a chance in hell, but for now, Alec didn't know what to do about it. 

Then there was Magnus. 

Beautiful, complicated, messy, Magnus. 

Their date hadn't gone according to plan, to say the least. The fact that Magnus had had to fake an emergency to even get Alec's attention probably set the tone from the outset, but they'd made the best of it. He'd meant it when he said he didn't care about Magnus' past. He'd meant it when he said relationships took effort. There was a difference between not caring and not being intimidated, however. Alec had learned early on in his training never to show any weaknesses, but to be aware of your own so they couldn't be used against you. 

Alec was aware of his weaknesses. The past few hours had made him woefully aware of some new ones he hadn't known he had. Despite this, he could still feel the ghost of Magnus' lips pressed against his own, could hear the sounds of their combined breathing echoing in his ears. He'd nearly walked out of Magnus' loft tonight, had nearly not looked back, had nearly listened to the 17,000 reasons he was out of his depth and not ready for this. But something had stopped him. He didn't walk away from someone because they were a hard choice, that's what he'd told his mother. Magnus had never been an easy choice. His own happiness had never been an easy choice.

As he walks to his room through the deserted corridors of the Institute he thinks about how he might feel right now, if he had gone through with the wedding. If he was staring down the path of a life lived with no hope of the butterflies he got in the seconds before he dipped his head and kissed Magnus for the first, and then the second time tonight. He'd walked away from his wedding for himself, not for Magnus, they'd made that abundantly clear. And maybe they would prove to be too different. Maybe this was not the only obstacle they would have to face, but even if it didn't work out, Alec's life would be his choice and his alone. He can't regret that, even as he climbs into bed, bone weary and trying to reconcile just how many hands had held Magnus' waist, how many lips had touched his and how Camille might have been the longest, the biggest, but she was far from the only. 

He lies awake in bed for longer than he'd like to admit, trying to reconcile everything that had happened. It feels wrong, irresponsible of him to be worrying about something like this while Valentine was out there, while Izzy and Clary were with the Iron Sisters and Lydia was injured in Idris. While Jace felt like he couldn't be in his home. How foolish and childish of him to be thinking about his relationship, because they had decided that that was what it was between them now, but he can't help it. How he feels about Magnus, how much he feels about Magnus, scares him beyond belief. The warlock has become a safe place to rest his head. To lay down his worries. To be himself with no pretences, someone he doesn't have to be strong around. He doesn't want to screw this up. 

 

Waking the following morning after too few hours of sleep, Alec checks his phone, no messages. He isn't sure what he'd been expecting, something from either Magnus or Jace or maybe even both, but screen is devoid of anything, and he does his best to trample down the disappointment. Both Magnus and Jace had other things to worry about than him right now. He wipes sleep from his eyes and pads across the room to get ready and face the day. The second he started to look like he was anything less than 100% focused on the job was the moment Aldertree would pounce and with Jace no longer in the Institute, Alec had to keep close to things, to keep an eye on them, though Aldertree had made it perfectly clear that Alec's views and opinions were not ones he valued. Still, the best way to affect change was from the inside. He would have to thread carefully. 

The halls are busier this morning. He passes Clary on her way to the training room, fresh faced, hair pulled back and training gear in her hands. She smiles a tentative smile at him, and he swallows thickly. His attempts to make things right with her could have had disastrous consequences. He'd killed her mother, and then nearly gotten her raped by a demon in a misguided attempt to make things right. He doesn't know how she can stand to even look at him, never mind smile, weak though it is. He manages a nod in return and they continue on down their separate paths. If Clary is back, that meant Izzy is too. 

He finds his little sister in the kitchen, pouring coffee. She looks up when he comes in, and wordlessly grabs another cup, pouring it for him. She looks awful. There are dark circles under her eyes, a crease between her brows, her lips set in a tight line. She's completely devoid of make-up and even though she is Izzy and she will always be beautiful, Alec frowns. She would never let the rest of the Institute see her like his. Her clothes, her make up, her attitude? It was like battle armour, another way to appear as fierce and strong as it is assumed Alec is, but for which Izzy had to fight twice as hard. 

'What's up?' he asks her, surprised by how rough his voice sounded to his own ears. He clears his throat as he grabs a high stool and sits across from her, and she pushes a cup his way. He reaches for the sugar and loads two huge spoonfuls into the coffee and brings the cup to his lips. 

'Nothing,' Izzy replies, drinking her own. 

'Izzy, you look exhausted,' he presses. Izzy is not one for one word answers. 

'We got in late from the Adamant Citadel, I'm tired,' she winces as she takes a drink of the coffee, and steals the sugar back from him. 

'How did it go? They didn't convince you to sign up did they?' 

He makes sure to sound like he is joking, but the fear has always been there. At least until Izzy found out that she would have to take a vow of celibacy. Izzy has the biggest heart of anyone he's ever known, and when she confessed to him in their teenage years that she couldn't imagine a future without love, he'd been selfishly relieved that his sister would not be leaving him even though it meant she was giving up one of her dreams. 

Her face pales at the question, a look of pure devastation passes over her features for the briefest of seconds, and is gone. Alec can't even be sure he'd really seen it, but it shakes him nonetheless. 

'You're still stuck with me I'm afraid, big brother. I can't leave you to navigate the dating world alone, what kind of sister would I be?' 

Alec notes she doesn't answer his question, but he lets it slide. Something is bothering her, but Izzy always comes to him eventually, he has to trust her that she will do so again when she is ready. 

'I think I need all the help I can get on that one,' he finds himself saying before he can stop himself. He regrets it immediately when her eyes narrow and her lips curve upwards. He is momentarily happy to see her smiling again, but not at the expense of making him talk about this. She'd accused him just weeks ago of never talking to her about his personal life. It was a pattern he would have liked to have continued. 

'Did something happen with you and Magnus?' she asks. 

'We went out yesterday.' 

She tilts her head and rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed with his understated answer. 

'And?' 

'And it was good, and bad, and just weird, but it ended okay. At least until Jace burst in asking to move in with Magnus.' 

'What? Jace has moved in with Magnus?'

Maybe if he distracts her enough he can get her to skip the relationship talk. 

'He won't tell me specifics. Just said that Aldertree doesn't trust him and he can't stay here. He's crashing in Magnus' spare room for now.' 

Izzy frowns at the mention of Aldertree not trusting Jace, but then chuckles a little at Jace's living situation. 

'This could only happen to you, Alec,' she laughs lightly, and it lights up her face, removes some of the shadows from her eyes, 'your parabatai moved in with your boyfriend on your first date.' 

He scowls at her description of the situation which only makes her laugh harder. He doesn't need her telling him how messed up this whole situation is. He is perfectly well aware of that. 

'I'm going to go over there in a couple of hours,' Alec tells her, ignoring her laughter and pushing forward to get out of this conversation, 'see if I can get Jace to talk to me again. You coming?' 

She bites her lip. 

'I need to stay here,' she says eventually, 'I promised I'd train with Clary. Besides Jace will talk to you alone better than he'll talk to us both if he feels ambushed.' 

He doesn't call her on her lie about Clary, and instead finishes up his coffee, and tells her he'll see her later. On his way out of the kitchen, he looks back and sees her staring into space, clutching onto her cup of coffee so hard that her knuckles are white. The shadows are back across her face. He keeps walking. One problem at a time, he tells himself. 

 

It's later than he planned by the time he escapes the Institute and gets to the loft. Magnus is nowhere to be found, but Jace is in his room, and not alone. When he walks in and finds the girl there, and Jace practically naked, lounging in bed as if he's not the biggest ass on the planet sometimes, something inside Alec snaps. The girl beats a hasty retreat and Alec throws Jace's jeans at him. He imagines the jealousy he would have felt just a few weeks ago at walking in on this scene. Now he's just pissed. Jace is standing before him, all perfect skin and golden hair and everything Alec thought that he wanted for so long, and he's giving up. All Alec feels is disappointment. 

He can't believe Jace would do that. Would bring some girl here, would show such disrespect to Magnus after the warlock took him in and gave him a place to stay. It took less than 24 hours for Jace to repay that kindness with a slap in the face and Alec could honestly strangle him. He gets it. He gets it more than anyone, and he knows this is Jace in self destruct mode, but that's what kills him. Alec just got him back and now he feels as far away as ever. 

He's standing in the living room, contemplating leaving again, when the door opens and Magnus walks in, dressed in a black jeans and a black henley, hair perfect, and long necklaces that Alec itches to wrap around his fingers, feel the cool beads against his skin and pull Magnus towards him. 

'Alexander,' Magnus calls as he steps further into the living room, 'what a pleasant surprise.' Magnus comes to a stop before Alec, reaches out to wrap a hand around Alec's elbow and it sends shivers down Alec's spine. 'I guess there will be some perks to having your parabatai here, you'll have double the excuse to come and visit.' 

Alec grins. 

'I had plenty of reason before,' he says, and to prove his point, he pulls Magnus in for the briefest of kisses. It's such a thrill that he can do this now. It's still nerve wracking, finding his footing, straddling the line between what he wants to do, and what he's brave enough to, especially in light of yesterdays revelations, but this part right here? The warm, dry press of lips on lips, the little puff of breath Magnus exhales against his lips and the pleased murmur that originates somewhere between them to the point where Alec can't tell if it was him or Magnus? This is the area of their relationship he feels most sure of. 

'That's a great line,' Magnus tells him, and Alec feels the heat of his gaze in the pit of his stomach. He's saved from trying to come up with something else smooth by Jace leaving his room, fully dressed now, and the heat in his stomach unfurls and changes back into cold tension. Jace looks at them and Magnus makes a move to pull away but Alec holds firm. This is Magnus's apartment, and he is Magnus's boyfriend, and Jace being here doesn't get to change that. 

Jace doesn't waste any time, and walks right past them on his way out. As soon as the door clicks behind him, Magnus steps even closer to Alec. 

'Everything okay with you two?' He runs a hand down Alec's arm. 

'He's an ass.' Alec answers, holding himself back from pressing right into Magnus' space completely. 

Magnus laughs. Surprised and delighted by Alec's candour.

'Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?' the warlock asks him. 

'Nothing pressing. What did you have in mind?' 

'I have to replenish some of my stocks. You caught me doing inventory yesterday. It involves a bit of traveling. I'd love if you'd come with me?' 

There are probably a million things that Alec could be doing today. He should be trying to speak to Jace. He needs to check in with Izzy, she was acting strange at breakfast. With Magnus looking at him like that, and his hand still warm against Alec's arm, there really isn't a choice. 

'I'd love to,' he tells him and Magnus' answering smile is enough to send sparks of electricity through Alec's veins, and he's really glad that he'd turned around the night before and faced his fears.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I've just started a new fandom blog for Shadowhunters on Tumblr, please consider contacting me there? It's lonely in a new fandom... Tumblr user: cassadyposts


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